(Warning 18+ sentences in My Experience section)
Do you lie to yourself?
I think the question in the header is a genuine question to anyone actually reading this. I find myself sometimes in a deep state of thinking and self-reflecting. And have always been in the belief that, if someone self-deceives themselves. In other words, lie to themselves. That it would cause them harm in the long term.
What do I mean when I say that? Well to be very honest, I was raised around a lot of addicts. Family, friends, strangers, etc. One thing that I have grown to known is that the ones that don't change are the ones that think they are in full control. But they are not the only ones that live this way. See, that is probably the easiest example of a group of people that mainly lie to themselves.
Yet, the truth is a lot of people are actually guilty of this thing. I will say for myself that I have done it too. Crazy enough to think it took me so long to actually realize I did this. It took a long time of praying, listening, self-reflecting and more that had truly opened my eyes. Why do we lie to ourselves? Well, we all have some sort of a reason for it. But the question becomes how can we know that reason if we don't want to acknowledge that we are doing it?
Honestly, why do we do this?
There are truly multiple reasons why we do this. And mainly it is selfish in every way if we're being honest. It's sometimes because we don't want to accept the thing that hurt us. Maybe it has to do with our ego, and not wanting to destroy it. It can maybe also be our confidence. We don't want to know the truth because we feel that our confidence will take a hit. See, there are plenty of reasons why.
With as I stated above, being selfish almost in every way. I know some will say, "Well, I experienced something very traumatic. And I don't want to think of it. I am okay with not thinking about it. In matter of fact. I don't care about what happened. I'm grown and accepted it.". The question for a statement like that is this, have you actually grown from that and have you truly accepted it?
I'm not talking about this in an ignorant or arrogant way. Or am I meaning to. But from my experience with trauma and having been diagnosed with depression and PTSD for years. I've come to realize that a lot of the times the medication doesn't really help. Or even the therapist. Now before you get the pitchforks out let me clarify something.
I'm in no way stating that you shouldn't see a therapist if you need one. Nor am I saying that you shouldn't take your anti-depressants. Everyone is different and every step that one takes is different as well. Not every smoker can quit cold turkey. Some need more help than others and that is perfectly okay. That is what makes each and every one of us individually unique.
But what should we do?
As a man of faith, I am going to say that God has truly changed my life and changed how I see thing now. By no means I'm perfect, and I would dare to say far from perfect. But there are things we can do to change the lives we give ourselves. And it truly starts with accepting what we don't want to. I bet there's people in your life that has stated certain things about you that you can't stand hearing.
And you try to either deflect it or justify it. You may not acknowledge it, but they themselves make you aware of it. What should be done and what can help, is truly not dismissing those things. It's funny because people give Christians a bad rap. Why? Because a lot of times things are said that are somewhat brutal, yet truthful. Now, I'm not going to go super deep into this topic. But there's a point in this.
That point is simple really, not everyone is trying to bring you down. When someone truly cares about you and truly loves you. They're going to tell you things that they see. Things that they believe is hurting you or even leading you astray. Nobody is saying that it is 100% correct all the time. But to be dismissive about it because "we feel" some kind of way is just bad!
Causing continuous harm to ourselves and holding back true progress in our lives. I promise that at the end of this blog post I will share links to studies about this topic. Not everything I'm saying is 100% aligned with the research. Because clearly, I have my own opinions as well. Still, I would dare to say that my thought process is very closely aligned with the research had. And what I've experienced and what I've seen in my short years of life here on this earth.
What can happen if we choose to continue on as normal?
Sad part of this question is this, insanity, downward spiral, regression, etc. See, the fact is this. If a person cannot self-reflect and acknowledge "something just isn't right". Then your life becomes all those things that I've stated in the first sentence. How? I know you've heard that saying that "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome." and let's be honest with each other here. Most people are truly stuck in a cycle.
A downward spiral, how many times do people ignore the most obvious. Lying to themselves, trying to keep a relationship, a job, etc. That most people on the outside can see that it is poisonous to that person they actually love and care about. It changes who they are in so many ways. They are no longer a reflection of who they once were. And yes, for those that say, "But people change.".
One hundred percent, people do actually change. Yet, let's be honest here. Changing because of choice versus changing because of circumstances and situations are different in many ways. Maybe you do notice you are too social, so you want to cut back a bit. That's different from someone who's in an abusive relationship and are lying to themselves to justify why they are no longer as social as they used to be.
The truth of the matter is honestly this. We can lie to ourselves for so many reasons. But we should be honest with ourselves. Pain, lies, ignorance, justification, and more can be eventually our own downfall.
My experience (About me)
To show vulnerability I'm going to share a bit about myself and why everything I said is important. And truly the importance of self-reflection and honestly acceptance. To give a quick run through about my life a bit. My biological mother was raped and murdered when I was three months old. My biological father was/is a drug addict and couldn't take me in. My uncle which is my mother's brother wanted to take me but couldn't. Due to his criminal record, so his then girlfriend (who I call my mother) had to adopt me instead.
As I got older and found out the truth I was destroyed. Filled with anger and hate for a long time. Fast forward a bit I learned how to lie a lot. I learned how to hide my feelings and also justify them in many ways. I got to a point I dropped out of high school three times. And I would tell myself, that there was actually no need for it. I was able to get by.
I had decent jobs and truly jobs that I made commission on and enjoyed the fruits of my labor. However, the truth was that I was inconsistent on a lot of things and denied the truth about other things. I wanted to move up in companies and saw what was required. I didn't have any of those things. But thought to myself "I don't need those things. My work will get me there.". And in part that is partially true. But ignorance and not accepting the facts hindered me in my growth.
To the point I started spiraling downwards. I struggled to keep a job due to multiple reasons mainly due to health. Still, that wasn't the reason, well that's what I would tell myself. It took years for me to sit down and think things through. Asking God to help me as well. But eventually I started seeing things in a different manner. I ended up getting my GED on my first try with no studying. Started accepting that I do have to actually see doctors. As well as trying to stay as consistent as possible. Which all led me to doing this and actually going to college now to get my degree.
Last thing
I don't want to discourage anybody. I personally understand that life happens. And in many ways, it sucks. I just want you to know that it can get better and it does get better. We just have to take control of the situation. And that truly starts with us. It starts with looking at ourselves in the mirror and self-reflecting. Listening to those around us even if it hurts.
I know some people can be super brutal. For those specifically like that, talk to them. Tell them that you want to know how they feel and what it is that they see. But that you just want to talk about it rather than get chewed up. Don't dismiss anything that is said. Dissect it, reason with it, reflect on it. Not everything someone is going to say about you is going to be true.
Some people do like to put others down because they themselves are. Yet, both things can be true as well. And I will leave this here. No, it will not be easy. No, nothing will change overnight. No, not everything someone says about you is true. But we must attempt to grow as individuals and leave what is holding us back, back.
If you're interested in a true conversation about this topic just comment down below and let's talk. And remember we can agree to disagree, respectfully of course.
As promised links on research that is aligned with topic of this post: Warning! Some are books that needs to be purchased. However, I do not make a commission for anything sold via these links.
Theoretical Frameworks Published as Books
Internet Archive Digital Library Access
Radical Acceptance & DBT:
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